Wait just a second.
Wait a minute.
Wait for it…
Are you feeling antsy yet?
Do you want to shout, “Just get to the story lady, I’ve got better
things to do than wait for you to get to the point!” But what would you say if I told you that
waiting is the point?
I know, I know. Nobody
likes to wait. In fact, most of us
actively hate it. Especially in today’s
instant world. Need information? Google
it! Hungry? Nuke it! Bored? Netflix
it! In fact, we can get just about
everything we want with a few clicks of a mouse. At least that’s what Madison Avenue would
have us believe. We are bombarded by advertisements
on TV, in magazines and online touting how simple, how easy, how quick their
products will make our lives. And I
suppose it can be true on a surface level… I mean, I love EasyMac as much as
the next person. But lately I’ve found
myself becoming frustrated at the realization that the stuff that really
matters is very rarely simple, quick, or easy.
There is no Google for real life.
And so, we spend our lives in a state of growing irritation
about all the things we are forced to wait on – for studio notes, a much needed
paycheck, the insurance settlement, test results. We wonder how long do I have to wait until
the project gets the Green Light, or the pregnancy test shows a plus sign, how
much longer until I find my soul mate or at least someone who will watch Modern
Family with me and not judge me for my four leaf clover pajama pants?
This week I have been noticing how many times a day I utter
the phrase, “I can’t wait until…” As in,
“I can’t wait until I have time for a vacation.” “I can’t wait until I have a bigger house.” “I can’t wait until someone buys my pitch and
makes my movie so I can win a bunch of major awards.” My most ridiculous “can’t wait” moment came
while I was watching Oprah’s Master Class series on OWN this Sunday and
actually said, “I can’t wait until I’m as wise as Maya Angelou so I can tour
the world giving lectures and reading my poetry.” Ridiculous, because I’m pretty sure no matter
how long I wait, I’m never gonna be Maya Angelou.
The real problem with saying I can’t wait is that in
reality, I have to. Because most of life
is in the waiting and so, in a way, how we wait determines how we live. If we are impatient and antsy, always
focusing on what we are waiting for more than on what we already have, we will
never be satisfied. How quickly we
forget the thing we waited for and wanted for so long and then got! There’s always something more to want. And so waiting feels like a punishment, which
is why we end up running from it, instead of relaxing into it. But if we could relax we would discover why
patience is such a virtue.
Waiting gives us time to reflect on our lives. And it is only in the waiting that we really
learn the lessons of what all of the doing means…
When I found myself divorced at 30, on my own for the first
time in my life, and embarking on what I hoped would be a successful career in
screenwriting, I was paralyzed with worry when I sent out my first spec
script. I hoped it would not only help
me support myself, but that if it sold, I would be so busy I wouldn’t have time
to think about my broken heart. But the studio execs who had the script to read
weren’t working on my timetable, and so I found myself forced into a holding
pattern for feedback. I sat by the phone
plagued with visions of what my life would be depending on whether they loved
it or hated it – my whole future seemingly hanging in the balance. I felt more alone than I ever had, and the
isolation just seemed to be amplified by the wait.
Finally, when I couldn’t take the silence in my studio
apartment for one second longer, I decided to get out and go for a hike. I took a path I had never tried before and as
I walked, I began to feel the icy fingers of panic grip me. I had to take a break and wait for the waves
of fear and loneliness to subside as the question consumed me – when would I
ever find love? Too worn out to move, I
sat and waited for the anxiety attack to pass.
It was then that I finally noticed the world around me -- the tall weeds
and busy bees, the sun peeking through the clouds.
And that’s when I saw The Tree.
It was standing in front of me with two thick branches
spread wide like open arms stretched out for a hug. I felt myself drawn to the welcoming embrace
and so stepped forward, closer to the tree, and was stunned by what I saw:
carved into a heart in the bark were my
initials. No other names or letters…just
a simple KH in the center of the tree.
Well, you can bet that I stood there and wept as I let the answer to my
question wash over me…I didn’t have to find
love, I only had to look and see that love was all around me. I didn’t need the approval of some executive
to tell me I was worthy or that I mattered. I like to call moments like that God
Winks. They are subtle but powerful, and
oh so easy to miss if you’re not paying attention. It took a forced waiting
period to get my attention and show me that like Dorothy’s slippers, I already
had the love and acceptance I was desperately searching for…they were with me
all along.
I try to remember that tree, that moment of unexpected grace,
whenever I am frustrated by not getting what I want when I want it. I’ve even come up with a little acronym to
drive home the point when I forget: When
we WAIT, We Are Imparted Truth. I know,
how very Gary Busey of me – but it’s true.
Which is why now I can’t wait for the opportunity to wait…
No comments:
Post a Comment