Comparisons are odious.
Cervantes, Christopher Marlowe and John Donne have all used the insightful
phrase. Shakespeare modified the saying with his own witty spin when he wrote: comparisons
are odorous. And now, centuries later, I would like to
update the much-used sentiment by saying: comparisons are ostupidus. You might not find that word in the
dictionary, so I will provide my own definition here:
ostupidus
[oh-stoopid-uhs] (1.) of or pertaining to a complete and total waste of time (2.)
seriously, a total time suck (3.) a sad distraction from what is good and lovely
and unique about oneself (4.) a dumb lie
perpetrated by the idiot inner critic
See also: just plain
dumb
I was sure I would win my first Oscar by 23. Never mind that I moved to Hollywood after my
23rd birthday…I figured nine months was plenty of time to be
discovered. After all, Audrey Hepburn won an Oscar for her first starring role
in the movie for ROMAN HOLIDAY at the age of 23. Of course that arbitrary dream blew away as I
blew the candles on my 24th birthday cake. It crushed me until I realized that my heart
was much more drawn to writing than acting – so I amended my ambitions. I would win my first Oscar by 27 like Matt
and Ben. And so began the maddening game
of placing my worth on the progress of other people’s paths instead of my own,
feeling like I’d somehow failed as the arbitrary deadline passed every
time. I didn’t get my Oscar by 27 or a
Pulitzer by 30 or a baby by 32, which was the age my mother was when she had
her last child. But it wasn’t just the
progress of my career or my ovaries I compared with others – I can remember
being 7 years old and getting my first perm (remember those?) because I wanted
to be like “bad” Sandy in the end of the movie GREASE. When I was signed by a modeling agency at 13
because they believed my big feet were an indication of how tall I’d be, I held
on to the hope that if I could just grown to be 5’6 like Kate Moss, the
shortest supermodel, I would make it. Unfortunately
I stalled at 5’3 and the agency sent me (and my lying big feet) packing by
17. And once again, instead of embracing
my own unique path and destiny, I went around feeling “less than” all of those
people I was comparing myself to. I can
tell you it took me a long time before I would leave the house without my
4-inch high heels.
I know I’m not the only one suffering from comparisonitis. In fact, I’d say it is almost an epidemic,
especially between women. It seems every
time I look over photographs with my friends of some lovely time we had
together, all we do is complain, “I wish my arms were more like yours” or sigh
and say, “why can’t I get my hair to do that?”
And more often than not, the very trait we covet in someone else is
usually the thing they wish they could change about themselves. It’s the curling iron/flat iron phenomenon –
people with curly hair wish it were straight while those of us saddled with
straight hair spend hours trying to make it curl (only to have it fall three
minutes later). The crazy thing is, the
more beautiful a person may be, the more she seems to only see her flaws. I once had a meeting set with a famous
actress who was undeniably gorgeous and talented. The day before the meeting, my agent called
to make sure I knew not to wear any make-up or high heels to my meeting
explaining this beautiful star needed to be the prettiest person in the room
because her manager made it clear she would not be able to work with someone
who made her feel “threatened”. At
another meeting, a different stunning actress carried 5 pairs of sunglasses in
her purse at all times so she would never be caught by the paparazzi wearing
the same shades as someone else at an event, lest they win the dreaded “who wore
it better” nonsense in some trashy magazine.
Even worse, when I first came to Los Angeles, I worked as an actress on
a show where the lovely 15-year-old star pulled me aside during my wardrobe
fitting and asked quite sincerely, “Why haven’t you had breast implants – isn’t
it hard making it in this business with such small boobs?” She felt immense pressure to look a certain
way and wished she had my “courage” (ha!) to be flat, but a year later she had
gone under the knife, convinced it would launch her to superstardom. Sadly, she hasn’t worked since 2005.
Here’s why comparison are so odious, odorous and ostupidus –
they are the birthplace of insecurity, and they make perfectly wonderful people
feel, well, less than wonderful. Somewhere along the line, that young girl had
seen an actress with bigger boobs getting more jobs and reasoned that her small
chest was the reason for her non-celebrity status, when it probably had nothing
to do with anything. There are stars of
all boob size and shape (if you don’t believe me, just ask Seth McFarlane). The
truth is, the people who make it, the ones don’t merely survive but thrive, are
the ones who take advantage of their strengths, not the ones who obsess over
their perceived shortcomings. The rest
end up in rehab, or as answers to obscure questions during trivia bingo at gay
bars.
Of course it’s not just a Hollywood problem, it is a
universal problem – teens compare themselves to models in magazines, men
compare themselves to classmates who have gone on to greater success, people
buy bigger cars, more expensive purses, higher heels in the hopes of being more
like the person that they perceive as having it all. But the secret no one seems to realize is
that more often than not, that person that we spend money and time trying to be
more like, is actively wishing they could be someone else. Oh stupid us.
We never seem to notice that no one is paying attention to our shortcomings
because they are solely focused on their own issues. Which is completely counter productive,
because as much as we may wish and hope and pray to be like someone else, the
scary, but ultimately freeing truth is: we will never be anyone but ourselves.
I have had writers who are just starting out ask me
urgently, “How did you get an agent? How did you get your script read? How can
I get to where you are in your career?”
To which I give them a little practical advice followed by the
admonition, “But no two paths are ever the same.” I recognize that there is a difference between
aspiration and comparison. We can be
inspired by others, and I have many people that I look up to, but those people
make me want to be the best version of me I can be, not some knock off version
of them. So I believe that instead of
wasting our time and energy feeding our insecurities with comparisons, we
should strive to make the most of what we already have, and who we already are. Because the wonderful truth is, there is
only one you in the world, and you have already made a difference just by being
here – the rest is frosting. So go ahead
and treat yourself to a bite... Chris Martin is already taken, so there’s
really no point in killing yourself to get Gwyneth’s abs. As for me, I’m going to subscribe to the
Jessica Tandy Oscar timeline…and if I never get one, well my goal is to look
back on my life and know that I sure had fun trying.
I wish you could boil this article down into a liquid, place it in a syringe and make it part of the early childhood pre-school inoculation series that every child is required to have for life...it's that important! Call it the "ostupidus" vaccine!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, this is one of the best "lessons for life" articles I've ever read, bar none! Thank you for writing it.
MarkMc